It's
been a life-changing few months. I often want to post about the
trees, but I don't think they'll make sense without the forest – so
here it goes...
>>>New
Therapist
When
I woke my parents up and told them I was using in their home, I think
the seriousness of my addictions really sank in. We talked the next
day about what to do next. First came the difficult acknowledgement
that I am, first and foremost, a sex addict. Chemicals are just icing
on my porn cake. At this point, they happen to be willing and
financially able to help, so we looked into inpatient sex addiction
clinics. When we saw how much they cost, paying for a therapist who
is specifically trained in sex addiction didn't look so bad, so
that's where we started. After some research, I really clicked with a
guy in Carlsbad, which is about an hour from my home. We jumped right
into Patrick Carnes material, and I knew I was in the right place. So
far it's been excruciatingly painful at times, and probably more
helpful than anything else I've done.
>>>Marital
Separation
I
stayed with my parents until the middle of September and went home a
couple of weeks before I wrapped things up at the church. The time
away from my wife was amazingly helpful. Being there of my own
initiative (instead of being “kicked out”) allowed me to grow
instead of sulk. I don't think I ever realized how codependent I am
with my wife. Even with the lost job and being separated from my
family, I felt positive most of the time. Somewhere along the line, I
had learned that I wasn't allowed to be happy unless Linsey was
happy, which frankly isn't very often. This has been a huge change.
>>>Job
Loss
What
a complicated, confusing mess. Sometimes in life you have to look a
list of truths and let them sit, side by side, even if they seem to
conflict with each other. Here are a few of them:
-My
(former) pastor (and boss) had encouraged me to ask for more help if
I needed it. When I did, he fired me.
-My
using had not really affected my job (in any tangible way) but at a
church, it seriously affected my integrity.
-Many
church members (who knew the whole story, without edits) were crazy
mad that I was fired and were ready to fight the decision.
-Whether
or not the pastor made the right decision is not what matters. That I
lost my job to my addiction is what matters. Let me say it again, in
the interest of thoroughly hitting bottom: I lost my job to my
addiction.
-My
wife told church members not to fight the pastor – that it was time
for us to move on and that I needed to feel a consequence. She was
right.
-I
have been increasingly unhappy with the pastor's leadership decisions
in the last few years. He's made some seriously destructive mistakes,
become more and more dictatorial, and is showing significant signs of
memory loss. He is unwilling to retire. That's not sour grapes, it's
just what is.
-I've
been in conversation with a few potential employers, but was too
afraid of change to leave my position. If I'd been healthier, I would
have left years ago. Instead I chose to do it the stupid way.
-Leaving
my position in that church has been one of the best things that's
ever happened to me and my family.
-Getting
fired from my position in that church has been one of the most
painful and difficult things that's ever happened to me and my
family.
>>>Rehab
Two
weeks at Kaiser's Chemical Dependency Rehabilitation Program. Very
helpful – lots of good tools and connections. Good use of time in
my first two weeks of being unemployed. As the name implies, it's a
chemical dependency program, not a sex addiction clinic. But it's all
good.
>>>Grief
and Divorce Recovery
My
aunt happens to run an amazing Grief and Divorce Recovery group. You don't have to be going through a divorce to attend, just grieving something. She
told me I would be grieving the loss of my church, and that I should
attend. Honestly, I think I've been grieving the healthy church I
used to work at for the last three or four years. What I have never
dealt with, however, is the gut-wrenching pain in my marriage. I
carry debilitating anger and resentment for the first twelve years of
our marriage, during which Linsey repeatedly explained to me that we
didn't need outside help because there were no problems to work on. I've
committed to doing whatever uncomfortable “grief work” this
workshop tells me to do – drawing pictures, writing “unsent”
letters, and other such things.
And
letting go of old marriage-hurts is the right thing to do at this
point. Because it's not about Linsey right now, or my marriage, or my
career, or anything else. It's about me, a recovering sex addict. And I
have hope right now. It feels nice.
