Comments on Eli Hornby: Diving Into Memories During My Fourth Step

Eli, I haven't visited in a long, long time bu...

2011-01-01T10:45:19.291-08:00

Eli, I haven't visited in a long, long time but came here from wishing you Happy Birthday on Facebook. It is time for me to do my own 4th Step again. It has been over 10 years since the last one. It will be interesting to see what else comes up.

As an incest survivor, I can relate to where your wife was coming from in your memories. I went through years as a wife being sexual out of obligation to my loving husband. I hadn't told him about the incest at that stage of our marriage. He hated when I got into 12-Step programs because I learned to say "No." which was all the time, it seemed to him. As you said, the process isn't easy.

Thanks for sharing your side of the situation. I continue to make amends to my husband for the struggle that we went through for many years because of my incest issues. I wish I could tell you that today was different but I still have my issues. I do say "Yes." more often but still not as often as he would wish. With my husband's help and patience, I have grown to enjoy our sexual life together, just not as often as he would like. At 61 (him) and 59 (me), our sexual appetites are just different. Going through menopause a few years didn't help matters, but finally that is over. I love my husband very much and the hurt and the issues from incest still affect me and him (through me) today, just not as intensely or as often as they once did. Things can get better when and if you both want them too. His patience and our combined love for each other has gotten us through the worst of times. In August, we celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary.

Patty, we have to go through all of the memory, including the other person's part, to get to the pain. Doing a 4th step means seeing our part in the situations we create but it also means giving responsibility to both parties for the parts that they played. To feel the pain, we have to search for the full truth. Blaming the other person for our problems isn't the answer but acknowledging that they may have played their own part in the situation is. What we feel is what we feel. You don't write a 4th Step to just acknowledge part of the story or part of the memory. Getting back in touch with those feelings is the hard part of recovery and one of the main reasons for doing a 4th Step. Congratulations Eli for the courage that you are showing in doing this very hard work.

You know, good for you. Good for you for facing yo...

2010-12-30T00:17:00.964-08:00

You know, good for you. Good for you for facing your memories head on, and writing them out and looking at how painful and embarrassing they are for you.

My most embarrassing memories are of the times I stole and the people I stole from when I was using back in the day. I really dislike those memories and all the feelings that come back when them.

Good for you.

Forgive me Eli, but I don't see you looking at...

2010-12-26T06:55:57.609-08:00

Forgive me Eli, but I don't see you looking at your part here, once again, I see you looking at your wife's part and your humiliation and self pity. The purpose of the fourth step is to take OUR inventory, not that of the ones we are pissed off at. OR maybe I am just seeing this all wrong. Try reading page 67 in the BB, it helped me a lot in relation to my marriage and my selfishness and self-centeredness when it came to dealing with resentments within my marriage. I tell you these things out of love and hope for a healthy recovery for you.

Glad to see you back here writing. This was a sad ...

2010-12-23T08:04:24.132-08:00

Glad to see you back here writing. This was a sad post for me to read. I'm sad for both of you. I pray that you continue to weed through the muck and mire to get to the beauty of what is inside of each other and that whatever you each can comfortably offer to one another can begin to be enough.

None of the memories are simple, especially in rel...

2010-12-23T04:04:48.939-08:00

None of the memories are simple, especially in relationships. It is hard enough trying to figure how what makes me "tick" much less trying to figure out another. Take care and hope that you have a joyous Christmas.